I wasn’t even remotely planning on writing a blog post about this. I was going to just scribble something in my journal and call it a night, but then when the idea of writing a blog post instead came into my mind, I thought why not? A big part of the reason I’m so hopeless at actually posting regularly on here is because I’m so scared of sharing any of my writing with the world that I haven’t edited or censored heavily…I’m a perfectionist when it comes to writing. But damn why don’t I just be real and raw and unedited once in a while? The truth is that I, nor anyone else can truly articulate real life within the lines of a blog post or a poem. You cannot package up all of life’s ugliness into some pretty little stanzas…you just can’t. It’s origins will always be the messy draft that was probably written on the back of a receipt at your part-time job between customers, or at the back of a notepad minutes before your lecture starts on a shitty Monday morning (true story I’ve written countless drafts in these situations). Real life is the stream of thoughts we have inside our heads where editing is non-existent. So I want to actually write like that for once and let people see it (no matter how much it freaks me out).
I feel lonely right now. And I feel so stupid for saying that, because I know in reality I’m surrounded by so much love. I’ve been feeling immensely grateful for my friends recently. I know there are countless people out there that would do anything to have the group of friends I do. Even so I just can’t help but say over and over in my head that “this isn’t fair”. I’m honestly so tired of liking the wrong people, and the wrong people liking me, and unreciprocated feelings, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I don’t care how many fucking fish you tell me there are in the sea I still can’t help but feel like I’m never going to find my one.
It’s hard seeing half of my flatmates in happy relationships while the other half seem unphased by being single. Don’t get me wrong, I can go weeks and months and feel totally fine being single, but other times – like right now – I feel like I have this big gaping hole inside me (kill me for being cliche) and that the reason no one wants to fill it up is because I am not enough. I try and try and try to be happy on my own but I still end up walking around in a circle back to the same dark lonely space.
I am deeply terrified that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Ok I’ve just remembered that I’m going to publish this for every man and his dog to read so I’m gonna go before I get too depressing lol. Also, I don’t want people to pity me for this. I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this, and I know with every fibre of my being that I will be okay, because I’ve gotten through worse before. I just wanted to take this opportunity to be real; I hope that is resonates with at least someone.
p.s banner artwork by Harumi Hironaka