I’m lonely.

I wasn’t even remotely planning on writing a blog post about this. I was going to just scribble something in my journal and call it a night, but then when the idea of writing a blog post instead came into my mind, I thought why not? A big part of the reason I’m so hopeless at actually posting regularly on here is because I’m so scared of sharing any of my writing with the world that I haven’t edited or censored heavily…I’m a perfectionist when it comes to writing. But damn why don’t I just be real and raw and unedited once in a while? The truth is that I, nor anyone else can truly articulate real life within the lines of a blog post or a poem. You cannot package up all of life’s ugliness into some pretty little stanzas…you just can’t. It’s origins will always be the messy draft that was probably written on the back of a receipt at your part-time job between customers, or at the back of a notepad minutes before your lecture starts on a shitty Monday morning (true story I’ve written countless drafts in these situations). Real life is the stream of thoughts we have inside our heads where editing is non-existent. So I want to actually write like that for once and let people see it (no matter how much it freaks me out).

I feel lonely right now. And I feel so stupid for saying that, because I know in reality I’m surrounded by so much love. I’ve been feeling immensely grateful for my friends recently. I know there are countless people out there that would do anything to have the group of friends I do. Even so I just can’t help but say over and over in my head that “this isn’t fair”. I’m honestly so tired of liking the wrong people, and the wrong people liking me, and unreciprocated feelings, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I don’t care how many fucking fish you tell me there are in the sea I still can’t help but feel like I’m never going to find my one.

It’s hard seeing half of my flatmates in happy relationships while the other half seem unphased by being single. Don’t get me wrong, I can go weeks and months and feel totally fine being single, but other times – like right now – I feel like I have this big gaping hole inside me (kill me for being cliche) and that the reason no one wants to fill it up is because I am not enough. I try and try and try to be happy on my own but I still end up walking around in a circle back to the same dark lonely space.

I am deeply terrified that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Ok I’ve just remembered that I’m going to publish this for every man and his dog to read so I’m gonna go before I get too depressing lol. Also, I don’t want people to pity me for this. I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this, and I know with every fibre of my being that I will be okay, because I’ve gotten through worse before. I just wanted to take this opportunity to be real; I hope that is resonates with at least someone.

 

Love

S x

 

p.s banner artwork by Harumi Hironaka

4 thoughts on “I’m lonely.

  1. nicolesjourney says:

    Oh lovely, I find this so very relatable! I wish I could offer some kind of advice or something that makes you feel less lonely, maybe that we both feel this way does that? Sending you love xx

    Like

  2. Miiesche says:

    I feel the exact same way almost every other day. There are days where I don’t mind or am even glad to be single but the there are these days where I want nothing but being in some sort of relationship. It’s not like I’m lucky with guys in the first place but… yeah!

    Like

  3. nkengsido says:

    Every one feels that one’s in a while. No matter how much love one get certain circumstances makes us zone out and into that lonely, dark scary feeling. What matters is you belief and try to get out of that dark prison by constantly recognising how blessed you are for all the love you’ve received. Do not think and try so hard to focus on what you do not have and what you will love to hve, cause then you most certainly will love and fall into the wrong people. You’ve got courage gurl, to share these feelings out in the open.

    Like

  4. Gail Power says:

    You are such a beautiful person Sammie, even if sometimes you don’t believe that, and you will find that special person you are wanting one day. They will turn up when you least expect it. Also what you have just written is a major step in the right direction. Once people know it will take an enormous weight off your shoulders and yes you can have a million people around you and still feel extreme loneliness. Hang in there, one day at a time, love you.

    Like

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